It seems the universe has chosen my last hour of sleep, between 4:30am and 5:30am, to send me various messages about insights into my life and practice. This has been going on for a while but it wasn’t until very recently that I became aware of it. Until now, I’d wake up after one of these “visions” and would remark: “Dang, that was a wild dream.” Then I would go on about my morning. But something hit me so hard a couple of weeks ago, it stayed with me all day and then evolved after I finally gave into thinking about it. Here’s what I learned:
1) The sexual predator in me
I don’t remember what I was dreaming/thinking about that morning; all I know is I heard this clear replication of my own voice saying, “You are afraid of your sexuality.”
I was like….
….but like I said, I could not stop thinking about that sentence no matter what I did for the rest of the day.
Let me back up a little….here’s the thing, I have wanted to do a meaningful sexuality overall for the past several years. In my previous incarnations (meaning in my 20’s and early 30’s) my sex-drive was out of control. It defined my lifestyle and subsequently created all manner of disasters around me. Once I decided to put such activities behind me, I knew a “sexual healing” would be necessary at some point. But whenever I tried “going there,” I would retract; I pull back and would instead focus on things I find more tangible or palatable. My self-delusion says “This is working out well! By ignoring your sexuality you never have to worry about sexually acting out.” Which means my second chakra probably looks something like:
Now here’s the OTHER thing — I have this internal goal and pledge, or better yet, Vow, to not rest on self-improvement until everyone I meet is completely and unequivocally safe in my presence. Not only that, but each individual will understand and feel this safety as well. It is one thing for me to know that I will not hurt you, it is much better thing for you to know it just by shaking my hand. This vow would be all well and good, BUT THE WAY MY SEXUAL ENERGY IS SET UP!
The struggle is not whether I will act out on a sexual impulse, it’s the conditioned arising of sexual energy that I believe taints my interactions with others. There is nothing I have done — no REAL work or effort employed, that will has moved me in the direction of abating these impulses altogether.
Now back to the whisper….one morning my subconscious tapped me on the shoulder and said, “You are afraid of your sexuality. This is why you do nothing about it.”
I held on to that whisper, hoping it would go back where it came from, until I finally had enough of it repeating over and again in my brain. I took the next step, logically asking: “Ok Mr. Unconscious know-it-all, tell me this, WHY am I afraid?”
And don’t you know an answer came as clear as someone calling my name: “.…because you are a sexual predator.”
First, let’s clear something up…when I say “sexual predator” I certainly do not mean anything like preying on kids or assaulting women. That’s probably the first thing that comes to mind when those words are coupled together — which is probably why I never thought of it before — but there are a number of *culturally acceptable* attitudes that lead to predatory behaviors. Male gaze, objectification of the female body, and pornography are the first three that easily come to mind. You see, a woman can’t FEEL safe in my presence if I’m a slave to this conditioning…even if it’s only a subconscious transmission of energy, something in her will be always be on alert, saying “stay safe, stay safe.”
That’s where I’m at with this so far…acknowledging the problem is a good first step. Writing it down is another. Removing the power of secrecy is another. So I’m considering this my first real effort in this regard.
May we all be safe with one another.