1. That Guy
I used to think I knew what this guy was all about. I would see him out with his family — at amusement parks, restaurants, grocery stores — taking charge and taking care of those around him. A sense of respectability wafted off him, and he seemed so…..put together. I’d say “now there’s a guy who’s got his shit together.”
So imagine my surprise when I wake up to the fact that, while walking around the amusement park this weekend, taking several trips to the grocery store, sitting with my family at restaurants wondering why everything is so dang expensive, I somehow became THAT guy. And I’m nothing like I imagined him to be. I’m barely hanging on to myself by a string of rationalized beliefs, I am certainly not in control like the guy in my imagination. Which makes me think maybe all of those men I’ve seen over the years were more like me and less like their fictional counterparts that exist only in my head. Maybe they were just doing the best they can, showing up, which makes them look a lot more heroic than they felt. Maybe they were one day at a time guys like myself.
2. Small Self
Right before we dove into our group meditation yesterday, Trish reminded us to use everything that happens during the time as an opportunity to go deeper into the experience. Her words were like a magical incantation whose effect was radical expansion of consciousness. It was one of the few times I could taste the simple fullness of pure awareness, and then the bell went off and I immediately shrunk back into the small self. The contrast — one second I was everything, the next second I was just ‘me’– was disturbing because I spend all my time as this small self, having problems and preferences, when in reality I Am. This is a difficult thing to put into words….
It was something like this:
I moved outside the box of personal self, knew the freedom of awareness, then was abruptly shoved back into that damn box.More than enough words for now…