Things I Learned — Last Weekend of July

Summertime is nearing its halfway point and the sun is setting earlier and earlier. Although we are a family that prefers staying close to home, we took full advantage of the beautiful weather this weekend…here are a couple of things I learned: 
In Which Make-A-Beer-Fountain Guy turns into "Trust Me I'm The Dad" Guy

In Which Make-A-Beer-Fountain Guy turns into “Trust Me I’m The Dad” Guy

1. That Guy 

I used to think I knew what this guy was all about. I would see him out with his family — at amusement parks, restaurants, grocery stores — taking charge and taking care of those around him. A sense of respectability wafted off him, and he seemed so…..put together. I’d say “now there’s a guy who’s got his shit together.” 

So imagine my surprise when I wake up to the fact that, while walking around the amusement park this weekend, taking several trips to the grocery store, sitting with my family at restaurants wondering why everything is so dang expensive, I somehow became THAT guy. And I’m nothing like I imagined him to be. I’m barely hanging on to myself by a string of rationalized beliefs, I am certainly not in control like the guy in my imagination. Which makes me think maybe all of those men I’ve seen over the years were more like me and less like their fictional counterparts that exist only in my head. Maybe they were just doing the best they can, showing up, which makes them look a lot more heroic than they felt. Maybe they were one day at a time guys like myself. 

Be still and know

Be still and know

2. Small Self

Right before we dove into our group meditation yesterday, Trish reminded us to use everything that happens during the time as an opportunity to go deeper into the experience. Her words were like a magical incantation whose effect was radical expansion of consciousness. It was one of the few times I could taste the simple fullness of pure awareness, and then the bell went off and I immediately shrunk back into the small self. The contrast — one second I was everything, the next second I was just ‘me’– was disturbing because I spend all my time as this small self, having problems and preferences, when in reality I Am. This is a difficult thing to put into words….

It was something like this:

outsidebox

 I moved outside the box of personal self, knew the freedom of awareness, then was abruptly shoved back into that damn box.

More than enough words for now…
 
 
 
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3 comments on “Things I Learned — Last Weekend of July

  1. seeingm says:

    so beautiful when we discover that “that woman” is and can be me, both at once and also neither at all. learning to love being just at the level I am, as I currently am it, is one of the most powerful gifts I have ever given myself (mind you all while still being in motion growing, aiming not find any laurels to rest my arse upon).

    my little bad old small self is the gatekeeper for showing the issues perfectly placed for growth on a path home already within the big self. WE NEVER LEAVE BIG MIND…we only ever walk in the corner of the garden expressed by itself as little mind :).

    i feel the frustrations of this shit of mine that is NOT together 🙂 too, now as the sweet stinking manure that births the growth needed in that part of the garden that is STILL big I AM. the awareness of feeling “negative” emotions and limitations are then soon experienced as reasons to be celebrated as they are gifts showing myself where I am still stuck, and the stinking is smelt toward revealing something already pretty. in this way of thinking, tea ceremony or beer fountain creation activities hold the exact same potential teachings as the lesson is not found in the actions themselves (having ones shit together or not), but rather in the state of mind we keep as we are doing them.

    Maren Maren quite contrary, how does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockle shells all gifted by little mind remembering to behead itself while into the larger garden I grow… welcome home to always, all ways being big mind even in the corners of it’s small mind adventures.

    -x.M

  2. Noel says:

    Is that Presidente beer…?

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