Everybody’s Looking for The Ladder

So apparently this young lady live tweeted her suicide a few days ago:

I don’t know if she actually went through with it, but that’s neither here nor there. The multitude of ways I feel about it are meaningless, and that exploration is being done in private journals. What I need to publicly address though, is the emptiness, the lack of fulfillment and the nothingness that is this world.

My favorite thing to say is “All is Well. Everything is Beautiful.” Followed closely by “Life is good.” I know that when people hear me say these things they do not comprehend the totality of my conviction. But it sounds nice, it’s uplifting, and it beats complaining by a thousand fold. But in my heart, in the depths of my being, and yours, it is known that there is devastation in this existence, there is pain, and there is despair. Some things are not beautiful. I could make an endless list of the tragedies, those induced by man and those that are natural to the Earth, that are experienced on a moment to moment basis. I see these things, I don’t avoid them nor do I Feed myself with them.

But this world is not our home. I don’t know much, anything really, but I figure this to be true: There was existence before my awareness of it and there will be existence once this awareness has passed. Rationally, this existence must be happening right now, concurrent to our interaction with the illusion we collectively call reality.

What is really “Real” is that state of being that we rested in for an eternity before being born into this play of the mind, and it is the same state we will return to once our role is completed. So there are two ways of identifying: 1) with this world and the temporary illusion, or 2) with the everlasting timelessness.

If we identify with this world then “All is Well. Everything is Beautiful” isn’t truthful. But if we identify with the everlasting timelessness then those words are a gateway into stillness. Identifying with this world we could say, as she did that night, “Everything dies,” but within the everlasting timelessness nothing is ever born therefore what could ever die?

She says “nothing really changes, but even if it did, into what?” In this world, everything is in a constant state of changing down to the molecular level, but in the Truth there is only completion.

It is not a “temporary problem…it’s relentless,” she continues. Yes, the pain of this world is relentless, unending and unavoidable. So long as you live, and cling to the things of the living, there will be suffering. But the mere act of creating within ourselves the steady desire to live in the Real world takes the problem away.

“What most people don’t realize is that they’re already asleep, and when they’re dead, that’s when they’ll wake up.” Here she almost has it, nearly tastes the Truth. We are asleep to our true identity, but that does not mean we cannot wake up while alive. Quite the contrary, it is our Purpose and our Destiny To Wake Up While Living. It takes work, and commitment, and a desire unspoken of in churches, synagogues, mosques, and temples. It’s the one desire, the one thing, that we carry within that needs no revealing.

“Why do you want to live? If you get to the bottom of that you may join me…” This is a perfect question to lead us to ourselves. Ask yourself: Why do I want to live? Then ask: “Why do I want That?” Then ask again, and again…do not stop answering until you “get to the bottom.” This is not a suicidal thought or an exercise to induce suicide as she suggests, but instead it is a discarding of false identities, until you reach the ultimate false identity which is your separation from Eternity.

“Which is how I know it’s right. Nothing external is wrong. My desire to live is gone. That’s all.” Her clarity is what strikes me. I feel as if I have examined Life alongside her, coming to the same understandings. Nothing external is ever wrong; it is all happening within the mind. Every one of our joys and pains are simply judgments occurring within the created and conditioned mind. What is wrong is internal. What IS wrong is we have identified this world and this personality as the truth, when it is not. Nothing in this world will ever fulfill us. Once you achieve a desire, the next one comes, even as you struggle to cling to your newest gain. We can never be satisfied in this world. It’s no wonder that someone so intelligent, so thoughtful and meditative on her own situation has no desire to live. She found herself on the porch of enlightenment and considered it to be the entire house.

On the porch we discover the futility of this world.

On the porch we experience depression and emptiness.

On the porch we are unimpressed by the attractions of false identities.

On the porch we fight with ourselves to return to the land of illusion or to begin the work of knocking upon the door of eternity.

And her second to last tweets: “People who say “but there’s so much to live for,” what? What is there to live for? Work & buying shit & work some more? What’s the entire point though?” I’m not going to sit here and pretend like I know what other people need to live for, or that I can begin to speak on “the entire point.” If you are able to become this deeply honest with yourself and the identification with false reality, you will be led not very gently to these words and to this question. If you ever find yourself here, your choices are your own and not one person can judge you for them.

Be aware though, there is a Door behind the porch.

May all beings be happy. May they be peaceful. May they live with ease of heart.

“The world is illusion, only God is real. The world is God.”



2 comments on “Everybody’s Looking for The Ladder

  1. Black Butterfly says:

    Wow that was very profound. Thank you for sharing. I read all of it:-)

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